Best Movies of 2023 #10-1

Unranked movies: I forgot I saw Still: A Michael J. Fox movie, which is great. The Mission was too late and wasn't worth it anyway. Silver Dollar Road was fine.

10. Are You There God? It's Me Margaret

I didn't read any Judy Blume growing up but I was vaguely aware the book was about periods but surely about other things. Nope, just about periods and the movie's subject matter is fertile ground from which flows comedy and drama, at times heavy and other times spotty... I'm sorry. These write-ups have become quite a project.

9. BlackBerry

This is the superior "buy-o-pic" of the year. Funnier than Air. It made me want the Blackberry to succeed even though I also didn't care about this product. I don't even think I had a smartphone yet at the point this movie ends. Is there going to be a Google+ movie? I had that from the beginning. 

8. Blue Jean

Are people tired of gay stories where the drama comes from being in the closet? I don't know, it still works and this film takes place in 1988 so I'll allow it.

7. Talk to Me

Sometimes there's a consensus stand out horror movie of the year and for a bit it looked like this was the one. But there were too many good ones.

6. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

This movie didn't even have an ending and it's this high. But I love when a movie ends even when I'm enjoying it. So wait, did I like this more because it ended early or less because it never ended? I don't know!

5. Full Time

This movie was like Run Lola Run except it's just a lady trying to live her life. And there's no techno or threat of death? I don't really remember Run Lola Run, maybe I'm thinking of Logan's Run.

4. No One Will Save You

I have to admit I didn't notice there was no dialogue. This is the best horror movie of the year except some people are calling the next three movies horror.

3. Leave the World Behind

This feels like Don't Look Up or Birdbox or any of those Netflix movies that people hate now. Why are people so filled with hate?

2 ½. Poor Things 

The other late addition movie. I was afraid this was going to be one of those 'dumb person teaches us about ourselves' movies like Forrest Gump or Being There. But this one has more weird sex, cadavers and monstrosities. 

2. Beau Is Afraid

Speaking of, that attic scene! Here was my feeling watching Beau Is Afraid. The first hour is amazing. The second hour I was thinking, 'don't blow this movie, I loved you' and the third hour I thought, 'good enough!, you stuck the landing'. Maybe with a little hop.

1. Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One

I don't like this anymore than you do. A Tom Cruise blockbuster that's the seventh movie in the franchise is the best movie of the year. It's a real bummer. I wish it was something cool like Godzilla Minus One, popular like Killers of the Flower Moon or Past Lives. Maybe Anatomy of a Fall or The Zone of Interest, I don't know which of those two is which. But it's this dumb movie that's better then anything else I saw this year with great direction, exciting action sequences, great humor, interesting characters and a propulsive plot. Oh well, maybe next year.

Best Movies of 2023 #21-11

21. Saltburn

Some people really hate this movie. And they hated the director's previous movie Promising Young Woman. I looked up all their concerns and gave it a lot of thought and it turns out they're all completely wrong. Huh.

20. Chop and Steele

If you think the Found Footage Festival guys wouldn't make a documentary about being sued after going onto morning news shows as a fake strong men duo and it wouldn't include a scene of one of them lubricating his dog's penis I don't know what reality you're living in.

19. Wham!

This gets added to the movies I've watched with an exclamation point in the title!

Airplane! 

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! 

Top Secret! 

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! 

¡Three Amigos! 

Mars Attacks! 

That Thing You Do! 

Baadasssss! 

Saved! 

Anvil! The Story of Anvil 

The Informant! 

SLC Punk! 

Viva Knievel! 

Zero Hour! 

Return of the Killer Tomatoes! 

Foodfight!

Gotcha!

Great Balls of Fire!

Machete Maidens Unleashed! 

Zapped!

Eaten Alive!

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Everybody Wants Some!!

Save Yourselves!

Hail, Caesar!

Mother!

Silent Night Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

Wham! is good and I finally learned the other guys name. I want to say Anthony Ridgemont?

18. A Life on the Farm

I didn't mean to list three documentaries in a row, it makes this lists seem arbitrary. I assure you it happened organically. 

16. Barbie

Something from Greta Gerwig I especially liked this year was her performance in White Noise, a movie that came out on December 30th of last year. So there were only two days to talk about that movie and I'll shut up about it now. Just like these best 2023 album lists that put the SZA album that unexpectedly came out late last year. Sorry you made your list early, doesn't count!

15. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem

The best comic book based movie with an innovative animation style and Ayo Edebiri in the voice cast. Sorry, that was supposed to be a question. No. No, it's not.

14. Theater Camp

Ayo Edebiri is here too, along with her The Bear castmate Molly Gordon. Since I ran out of space in the television post let me say here that I like Claire but it's super you saw a TikTok that makes fun of tropes. I don't know if I'll ever see Bottoms, they don't seem to want to release it on physical media.

13. Totally Killer

A fun movie that's Back to the Future as slasher movie. That Mr. Strickland deserved an axe to the head. 

12. Showing Up

A significant thing that happened this year is I watched Jeanne Dielman, 23 Commerce Quay, a 201 minute movie were nothing much happens. It has endowed me with the ability to watch anything. Nothing happens in Showing Up but in a tight 108 minutes. So it was charming and concise.

11. A Thousand and One

A movie called A Thousand and One at number 11? There's something there. There's gotta be because it's too hard to blurb something you like.

Best Movies of 2023 #31-22

31. Cassandro

There's a true life, 80's wresting movie in theaters right now. No thanks! I already enjoyed this movie about a gay luchador.

30. Sick of Myself

Norway is usually good for at least one good movie a year. That all we expect from you Norway. The director already has another movie out with Nic Cage!

29. Cobweb

You may not have heard of this because it was counter programing to Barbenheimer, which was already its own built-in counter programming. Plus it takes place over Halloween and came out in the summer but it should become a Halloween staple like Trick 'r Treat or Flesheater (me only).

28. They Cloned Tyrone

One of my favorite things now is a movie that muddies exactly when it's supposed to be taking place.

27. M3GAN

This was the first movie to come out this year and it appears in the middle of this list. My wish for you in the new year is that an equal number of movies will be better and worse than the first movie you watch.

26. Knock at the Cabin

M. Night Shyamalan continues his return to form. The Next Spielberg is out of his Hook/Always slump.

25. Infinity Pool

There's a scene where someone asks, "what if we're the clones and not the originals?" to which someone else replies, "what difference would that make?" and it's dropped right there. That's when the movie won me over.

24. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

Since Rocket Racoon is the focus of this one I suppose this is the Bradley Cooper performance everyone will be talking about. But I'm afraid it will overshadow Linda Cardellini as Lylla the Otter.

23. Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

Cardellini's brother on Freaks and Geeks directed a very good movie with... a Bradley Cooper cameo?

That's really going to split the Oscar vote.

22 ½. The Creator

The problem with this list is that I'm still watching movies while making it. So The Creator sneaks in after I already numbered everything. The question is, what happens if I watch a movie that ranks within what I've already posted. I won't watch Asteroid City for this reason. In fact, I'll never watch Asteroid City just in case that causes any problems with anything ever.

22. May December

I also watched director Todd Haynes' Safe and Dark Waters this year but decided to disqualify them from this list due them being released in previous years. Nice try other-years movies!

Best Movies of 2023 #32-42

 42. The Super Mario Bros. Movie

This is the movie I went to with my 13-year-old in April when I walked through the hallway of mediocrity. Fittingly, I'd say this is the start of the grade C and better movies. Averageness starts here!

41. Plane

More like Plain! But, like, a plain donut or plain M&M's. Sure, you might prefer a movie with a honey glaze. And sure, they keep discounting your favorite Crispy movies, this time for something called "Crunchy Cookie" that some say is the same flavor as Crispy but is definitely different. But still good though.

40. Cocaine Bear

Yes, the trailer was probably enough but at least Margo Martindale got to be horny in a movie.

39. Boston Strangler

I complained about Carrie Coon not getting enough attention 9 years ago. And while this movie didn't make much of a splash she's been doing great. Don't worry, past me. Oh, and while we're talking, Mary Elizabeth Winstead is going to be in a Star Wars TV show and you won't be able to muster any enthusiasm. Weird, right?

38. Maestro

Everybody talks like they're in Gilmore Girls but it's the 50's and non-Jewish actors are playing Jews. Wait, that's just The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

37. Rye Lane

This is getting awards attention but just from the British. They think Oasis is good.

36. No Hard Feelings

Rye Lane is fine but fell into some rom com clichés. This raunchy sex comedy about a hot woman and a nerd manages to avoid most of the things your expecting while reading that description.

35. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

I liked it! Some people are saying it's worse than Crystal Skull? No. And the ending is good. I was afraid they weren't going to go there.

34. The Quiet Girl

This is the highest grossing Irish-language film ever. Which didn't sound right until I learned there are almost no Irish-language films. Which still doesn't sound right. But then neither does Gaelic. I joke, good luck not dying out!

33. Blaze

This movie had some tough subject matter that at times didn't look like it would be able to handle. But I was rooting for it, we were all rooting for it. When my mother yells at me like this it means she loves me.

32. Air

Not the best "buy-o-pic" this year but good considering I don't care about those shoes. Hey, there's a scene where they really shit on an athlete as mediocre so I looked him up and he had killed himself, possibly over his limited success. That's strange, right?

Best Movies of 2023 #43-52

Just like in 2020, I'm going to rank every 2023 movie I saw this year. Except in 2020 I did it because there were so few. This time there are 52 so I better get started.

52. Retrograde

I took a chance on a movie on streaming with no reviews or stars or any conversation around it. It does have a positive blurb from the Wisconsin Film Festival in the trailer.

51. Skinamarink 

Cheer up makers of Retrograde, we're only on the second movie and it's one that has appeared on some Best Of lists this year. Any two minutes of Skinamarink is a fun, creepy YouTube video. Except it's 100 minutes and a feature film. You know 70 minutes is a perfectly respectable length for a movie, makers of Skinamarink.

50. Wish

I'm keeping names out of these write-ups so they won't google themselves and feel bad. Now the makers of Wish won't know my ten-year-old's review was "It really sucked!" 

49. Renfield

I was taking the 13-year-old to a movie and wished I was seeing Renfield instead. Well, that movie hasn't appeared on the list yet so joke's on me. For Wish I would've preferred Godzilla Minus One. And for the record, when I took the kids to a re-release of The Nightmare Before Christmas I would've chosen Priscilla.

48. Meg 2: The Trench

I would've skipped this one but it's directed by [redacted] of indie English horror movie fame so curiosity got the best of me.

47. Mafia Mamma

A poster in a movie lobby is the only thing that made me aware of this one. Toni Collette is good anyway. Sorry Toni, hi.

46. Five Nights at Freddy's 

I did enjoy that with each passing day it meant the movie was 20% closer to the end. 

45. Evil Dead Rise

Actually, this was a lobby poster at the same time as Mafia Mamma and Renfield. Maybe don't see a movie in April.

44. A Haunting in Venice

I haven't seen the other Hercule Poirot movies but this one takes place on Halloween so I just had to check it out this past late November. 

43. Enys Men

I'd been waiting for this director's other movie Bait to come across the pond for years. Finally both appeared on streaming at the same time. I haven't watch Bait yet.

That wasn't edited, the whole movie is like that.

Best of Television 2023

1. The Bear

You know that rule about bears that says "If it's brown, lay down. If it's black, fight back"? The problem is black bears can be more brown in color and brown bears can get into tar pits so I've come up with something better. Since black bears have less concave skull profiles I propose, "if it's concave, give it a wave, if it's convex, start to flex (your muscles)". The one problem is their skulls aren't actually convex but concave to a lesser degree. To clear this up, since you're already thinking of bears and caves, you may naturally turn to Clan of the Cave Bear, turned into a movie with Daryl Hannah in 1986. Hannah's breakout was Splash, directed by Ron Howard. Ron Howard is the narrator of Arrested Development and provides exposition along with news anchor John Beard, playing himself. Of course, in real life John Beard is most known for taking the gun away from a man who forced David Horowitz to read a statement on air. You remember Horowitz mostly as the consumer advocate host of Fight Back! with David Horowitz. 

Fishes and Forks are stand out episodes.

2. Dave

You know how the movie Dave has a lookalike taking the job of president and in one scene the first lady seems to clock that his penis is different? That's weird.

3. Reservation Dogs

Since this is the holidays I just watched Silent Night Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out! which, first, adds to my list of movies I've seen with an exclamation point in the title:

Airplane! 

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! 

Top Secret! 

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! 

¡Three Amigos! 

Mars Attacks! 

That Thing You Do! 

Baadasssss! 

Saved! 

Anvil! The Story of Anvil 

The Informant! 

SLC Punk! 

Viva Knievel! 

Zero Hour! 

Return of the Killer Tomatoes! 

Foodfight!

Gotcha!

Great Balls of Fire!

Machete Maidens Unleashed! 

Zapped!

Eaten Alive!

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Everybody Wants Some!!

Hail, Caesar!

Mother!

Silent Night Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

Maybe I watched one of those Oh, God! movies, I don't know. Second, I was reading how the director read a script during the filming of SN, DN 3: BWO! that he really wanted to direct. Unfortunately, the screenwriter was determined to direct and that script was Reservoir Dogs. He produced though. 

4. Fargo

You know how no one in Spanish speaking countries bought the Chevy Nova because it means "doesn't go"? Similarly, no one has been to Fargo because it's too much of a trek.

5. Poker Face

I just learned that Lady Gaga is singing something very rude in her hit song and no one noticed so it just played on the radio uncensored.

Best Music of 2023

I don't listen to music anymore but I did look at a lot of 'best of' lists. My favorite albums in the past were rarely on those lists. But here is what caught my ear:

1. Chappell Roan - The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess

This drew my interest because she calls herself a "Midwest Princess" but it turns out she's from Southern Missouri. Okay...

2. Olivia Rodrigo - Guts 

Also dubious is that this album seems to have nothing to do with the 80s toy line GUTS!

3. Youth Lagoon - Heaven Is a Junkyard

Move over Creeper Lagoon, there's a new, younger Lagoon in town! You're on notice Childhood Estuary.

4. Young Fathers - Heavy Heavy

This was the year I went straight to the Ys at the record store, checked behind the new Yo La Tengo, and bought the next album. Hello Swedish synthwave artist Yota.

5. 100 gecs - 10,000 gecs

If only for this song:

Honorable mention: Caroline Polachek because her name sounds like every girl I went to grade school with in Milwaukee.

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