Best of 2014

Movies



1. Cold In July

Honestly I'd have to watch Cold In July and Blue Ruin again to determine which was better. And then I'd have to watch again, in reverse order, months later on a day with the same weather, daylight and food/water satiation just to be fair. I don't have time for that shit so the top spot goes to Cold In July. 

2. Blue Ruin

Because the whole time I was watching Cold In July I was thinking, "What the garbage shit?, there's a movie better than GD (which stands for God Damn) Blue Ruin after I was already convinced it was the MF'ing (Malleable Foofarahing) best movie of the year. Is this some Tara Lipinski beating Michelle Kwan in the 1998 Winter Olympics because of skating order BS (Best Skating)?

3. Gone Girl

Why is no one talking about Carrie Coon? Yeah you noticed Rosamund Pike, the titular star, ace follower of basic plots are you. Fine, Tyler Perry was great, despite accidentally being in the movie. But Ben Affleck's penis was barely in it and NPH didn't show any signs of Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus so this year belongs to Coon.

4. Under The Skin

Approximately a million years ago I asked Marissa for a book that was "kinda weird". She gave me Under The Skin by Michel Faber. When I heard they were making a movie I couldn't wait to see the pig people. They changed it so much there weren't pig people. Still good though!

5. Guardians of the Galaxy

This year belongs to Coon.




Television




1. Rick and Morty

Hearing that Community's Dan Harmon created a cartoon with Justin Roiland and wrote for it while he was fired from Community made me think, "Oh great, a side project. That could be good. Oh, by the way: I know this is your internal thoughts but I thought it may be important to point out that this sentiment is sincere and not sarcastic". Well, those well-qualified opinions severely underestimated this Marty McFly/Doc Brown re-imagining.

2. Broad City

I've already seen people's uncomprehending comments about Broad City being so highly praised. I totally understand. Not in a patronizing "you don't get it" way but in a "I don't know why I get it" way. It was just really fucking funny.

3. Fargo

Everything people saw in True Detective that was actually garbage the writer thought was some deep shit people were going to freak over, Fargo delivered with humor, finesse and non-McConaissance speed-bumping.

4. Nathan For You

Dumb Starbucks was the best episode of any show this year. Not least of all because it was the most anticipated show this side of The Puppy Episode that actually lived up to the hype.

5. Girls

The funniest season of Girls bored some critics because they have to write essays about television. That's how they live.

Songs

1. Wait For A Minute - tUnE-yArDs



2. Lariat - Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks



Also wins for best album.

3. Shake It Off - Taylor Swift



Taylor Swift's hum face looks like an adorable bat.



4. All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor



I've read people complaining about "skinny-shaming" in this song. Isn't that like male privilege? Yeah, sure, you might have a point there. But you should probably shut the fuck up about it.

5. I'm Not Part of Me - Cloud Nothings




Books



1. King Dork Tentatively - Frank Portman

I just found out a couple of weeks ago this sequel to one of my favorite books existed. So, in all honesty, I haven't finished it. But unless the last chapters were randomly typed by a monkey it's probably great.

2. This One Summer - Mariko Tamaki
3. A Few Seconds of Radiant Filmstrip: A Memoir of Seventh Grade - Kevin Brockmeier
4. Andre the Giant: Life and Legend - Box Brown
5. Live From New York: The Complete, Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live as Told by Its Stars, Writers, and Guests - James Andrew Miller and Tom Shales

Podcasts



1. Harmontown

They made a movie of this podcast:



2. You Talkin U2 To Me?

Part of the joke about this podcast about U2 is that it's barely about U2. The other part is that the hosts Adam Scott and Scott Aukerman really love U2 and their enthusiasm is contagious. I still don't like U2.

3. Stop Podcasting Yourself
4. How Did This Get Made?
5. Serial

Have you heard about it?

Today's Movies

Animals Attack Movie Night

You're all fine and good when animals attack each other. Nature's plan you say. The circle of life you sing. But as soon as a spider or, say, alligator starts sniffing around your place crawling for a brawling all of the sudden it's a problem to be dealt with? This is a healthy attitude. Stick with it.

Kingdom of the Spiders comes from John "Bud" Carlos, the man that brought you The Day Time Ended. It stars William Shatner playing a man named Rack Hansen. Maybe he's still angry at his mom for naming him that because the charater can barely hide his contempt for women.

I watched this movie a couple of years ago and I've never been more sure I've watched a movie previously while being so close to also forgetting it completely. I don't know if that's a comment on memory or the quality of this movie.

Big Alligator River or The Great Alligator or Il Fiume del Grande Caimano is from the people that brought you past BMN movie 2019: After the Fall of New York and future BMN movie Hands of Steel. It stars Mel Ferrer, who we've seen in The Visitor and Nightmare City, but I mention since he's the only person to star in two Eaten Alive movies. The first of which has a people-eating crocodile in it. And the other one was inspired by the Jim Jones People's Temple cult in Guyana, just like the movie Guyana: Cult of the Damned starring... Mel Ferrer! I go insane reading IMDB sometimes.

Here's what happened two weeks ago:



This actually happened.

Today's Movie

Monster Movie Night

Monsters. Why are they always drooling and scratching things and, if CGI, roaring right into the camera?



What is the deal with these monsters? Look, observational humor aside, what these monsters are doing is top-notch stuff. Really A-plus work. Keep it up monsters!

Monsters didn't make the cut on Horror Anthology Television Night. But it's 80s, low budget and hired notables like John Saxon, Adrienne Barbeau, Linda Blair, Eddie Deezen, Richard Moll, Troy Donahue, Julie Brown and Stephen King. Neither of the episodes we're watching have those people in it but they do have Joe Flaherty and Mary Woronov.



Mahakaal (AKA The Monster) is BMN's first Bollywood movie. It started filming in the 80s but was only released in 1993. So no making fun of it for having outdated references. Just kidding. Make fun of it for everything.

Here's what happened two weeks ago:

Today's Movies

Six Year Anniversary Movie Night

Think of it as a count up, to six. Six years of Bad Movie Night. Six years ago today Marissa e-mailed me this:

Ed and Kate are coming to Winterbeast.  Now it's a party!  I hope the movie is sufficiently good (bad).

Oh it sufficed the hell out of that night.

We've seen One Got Fat at BMN. But it was the Rifftrax version. We're going to watch the version without all the funny jokes.

People seem to have this misconception that we've also watched Troll 2 at BMN. For the record I watched Troll 2 with 5/7ths of the founding members of BMN 9 months before officially starting BMN with the extraordinarily sufficient Winterbeast. We've since seen a number of movies by Troll 2's director Claudio Fragasso: Hell of the Living Dead, Rats: Night of Terror, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2 and After Death. So even if you have seen Troll 2 it's time to reassess with your new perspective.

Boy The Three Stooges are terrible. But I needed a short with the number three in it and say what you want about them (I did [they're terrible]) they sure do have the short-film-with-a-three-in-the-title genre locked up.

Ms. 45 is our first Abel Ferrara  (Hmmm, Fragasso/Ferrara Night!) movie despite his reputation as a exploitation movie director. Perhaps of most interest to you is that he directed the Miami Vice episode "The Dutch Oven".



Here's what happened two weeks ago:

Today's Movie

VHS Movie Night 2

I have more never-released-on-DVD movies and dammit if we're not going to watch them. No one is stopping me, I don't know why I'm all riled up so let's move on.

Out of the Dark stars all your favorite people. Karen Black, Bud Cort, Divine and Tab Hunter. Why are all your favorite people actors? You should try out a real, live friend or, failing that, an acquaintance. Also, who cares about all those people when Paul Bartel is in this! And this one week after seeing his best bud/frequent co-star Mary Woronov.


Death Race 2000
Hollywood Boulevard 
Piranha
Rock 'n' Roll High School
Eating Raoul 
White Dog
Chopping Mall
Escape from L.A.
Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Out of the Dark

Now he's tied with Dick Miller for second place. Welcome to double digits!

There's not a lot of information about Provoked but it seems to involve a lot of people who were responsible for GLOW: Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.



I love you 1986.

Here's what happened last week:

Today's Movies

Sci-Fi Comedy Movie Night

In space no one can hear you... laugh?! Nope, not when the jokes are that bad.

The director of The Ice Pirates, Stewart Raffill, has two other movies at Bad Movie Night; Mac and Me and Tammy and the T-Rex. So this will be the first of his movies at BMN to break the "[monster] and [a person]" titling mold. The Ice Pirates does have monsters so it could have easily been called Jason and the Space Herpes.



Interestingy (not a typo), when we watched Tammy and the T-Rex the other movie, Monster in the Closet, starred BMN family dynasty member John Carradine, who's in The Ice Pirates!

Robert Urich stars, who we last saw in Invitation to Hell. Yay!, Invitation to Hell has been mentioned so we can watch this:



Urich also returns to my life after only a week because I just watched Killdozer:



TerrorVision, from the guy that edited Trancers and Robot Jox, is about the Putterman family. An all-star family. The mom is Mary Woronov.


Death Race 2000
Hollywood Boulevard 
Rock 'n' Roll High School 
Eating Raoul 
Night of the Comet 
Chopping Mall  
TerrorVision

Paul Bartel must have have been busy, possibly by directing Tim Conway in The Longshot, so the husband is Gerrit Graham


Phantom of the Paradise 
The Annihilators 
Chopping Mall 
It's Alive III: Island of the Alive
TerrorVision 

and children Chad Allen and Diane Franklin. Who you totally know!

Here's what happened last week:

VHS Movie Night

For some reason the movies I buy on VHS seem to fall through the cracks when it comes to picking Bad Movie Night movies. It's like they count less as movies. Well, this is my attempt to rectify past transgressions. Just because no one wants to release you on DVD or Blu-ray doesn't mean anything. The Wonder Years isn't out on DVD. Oh, it's coming out later this year? Well, you'll always have... Ed?


Not available on DVD.

"Black Crystal", as the title screen seems to call it, is written and directed by Mike Conway and stars Mark Lang and Lilly Brown. None of this means anything to me either! It was produced by Chris Stevens. Somebody make it stop! Bfisherco on IMDB says it's "The only Muppet movie I liked".



sakura KILLERS, as the title screen seems to call it, stars Chuck Conners. Who is totally famous! And as far as BMN is concerned we should be seeing him in Soylent Green, Tourist Trap, Summer Camp Nightmare, Maniac Killer and Day of the Assassin any year now. Oh yeah, I'm in this thing for decades now. I have the perfect year I want to show Cyborg 2087 in.



Here's what happened last week:

Today's Movies

Looks like we're in for a lot of screaming. One more, alternate title, poster:

Antonio Margheriti Movie Night

I knew I wanted to watch Yor, the Hunter from the Future and I knew that meant finally getting its star, Reb Brown, into the Five Timers Club


Strike Commando
Captain America II: Death Too Soon
Space Mutiny 
Howling II: ... Your Sister Is a Werewolf
Yor, the Hunter from the Future

so I thought I'd find another four timer who is way overdue. There's Robert Forster but I lost my copy of Demolition University.



That's a joke that I would own Demolition University but then again I own Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes so it didn't really work.

Chris Mulkey needs just one more. So does Billy Jayne. (In fact, Jayne in Superstition was almost the other movie, a movie I consider, then reject going on five years now.) Linda Blair, for crying out loud, has only four showings even with Hell High, Chained Heat and Exorcist II: The Heretic just sitting there. But then I found somebody, not only for the Five Timers Club, but the star in another Antonio Margheriti movie.

It's John Saxon!


Black Christmas
The Final Alliance
A Nightmare on Elm Street
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
Cannibal Apocalypse

Here's what happened two weeks ago: