Just like last year I'm going to rank every movie I saw this year that came out in said year. I went a little overboard on movies in a year people are calling "weak". But how can a year be weak? That sounds like an oxymoron if you say it out loud and don't read it!
100. Deer Camp '86
Sometimes you watch a movie and wonder if the filmmakers had ever seen a movie before. This movie is so by-the-numbers cliched that they clearly have seen a movie but should maybe consider seeing 5 or 6 more so they don't vomit out a facsimile.
99. Under Paris
I don't know how you felt about that metaphor but at least I didn't go with diarrheaing out a mimeograph. It's less elegant. Anyway, the French movie Under Paris is like vomiting out a mime.
98. The Idea of You
Hey!, a movie with stars. Anne Hathaway is great. It's directed by Michael Showalter. I guess you could say I like the idea of this movie. The best movie criticism is title references.
97. Jackpot!
Top prize does not go to Jackpot!, a similar comedy with talented people that doesn't work. John Cena is good though. Add this movie to my list of exclamation point movies I've seen:
Airplane!
The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!
Top Secret!
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!
¡Three Amigos!
Mars Attacks!
That Thing You Do!
Baadasssss!
Saved!
Anvil! The Story of Anvil
The Informant!
SLC Punk!
Viva Knievel!
Zero Hour!
Return of the Killer Tomatoes!
Foodfight!
Gotcha!
Great Balls of Fire!
Machete Maidens Unleashed!
Zapped!
Eaten Alive!
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
Everybody Wants Some!!
Hail, Caesar!
Mother!
Silent Night Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!
Banned from Broadcast: Saiko! The Large Family
Salaam Bombay!
Yes, Madam!
1982: Greatest Geek Year Ever!
Jackpot!
96. Madame Web
This movie got a lot of grief this year but it didn't seem any more silly and stupid than other superhero movies.
95. Sasquatch Sunset
Like something Philip Seymour Hoffman says Lester Bangs says in Almost Famous, "Madame Web is a drunken buffoon, Sasquatch Sunset has the courage to be a drunken buffoon." Still bad though. Except! It has a top ten scene in it:
94. Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire
Rumor has it they only called in Frozen Empire so they could bring back the Slimer water ice confection.
The people won't stand for a frozen treat tie-in that's unearned.
93. The Watchers
I request we never have a scene in a horror movie where a person runs away from a place only to find themselves back in that place even though they seemingly ran directly away from it. It takes too much agency away from the character. Plus I totally know how they did that, they just went back and filmed in the original location. Cheap!
92. I.S.S.
I Suck Shit wouldn't be an accurate backronym. I.S.S. isn't an acronym but rather an initialism. Also, it's fine so maybe I'm Sanguinely Satisfactory is the renitialism.
91. Mean Girls
The best parts are when they just redo scenes from the original. I also groaned when they started singing and I already saw the videos of people not knowing it was a musical.
90. The Stranger
Something didn't seem right about this movie until I read that it was fused together from 13 parts of a Quibi series. Wait, if a 2020 series is just reassembled in 2024 did it really come out this year? A real Ship of Theseus problem. If you squint.
89. Modernism, Inc.: The Eliot Noyes Design Story
Documentaries about designers love to tell you how your life is sooooo different and you don't even know it and how you'd still be riding a bike with one giant wheel and one tiny wheel if it wasn't for some visionary genius. I've got an invention for you: It's called a Mouth Shutter and it will be elegant in its form and function.
88. Jacqueline Novak: Get On Your Knees
This is a stand-up special but it's feature length and I was interested in upping my numbers in early 2024 when there aren't a lot of movies coming out. Cheap!
87. Butterfly In The Sky: The Story of Reading Rainbow
People talk about whether a movie is "cinematic" and this is especially a problem with documentaries. BITS: TSRR would be a fine show to watch on PBS one night but you can skip the Ultrascreen DLX with Laser Projection in Dolby Atmos screening.
86. Abigail
A lot of horror movies here at the bottom. This is one horror fans seems to like. Here's the thing: I had a dissimilar reaction to it.
85. Immaculate
This might be good but I saw The First Omen first and they are very similar. Sorry, Immaculate, you get the Kick-Ass/Super prize for Good But Second (Super is better).
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